Reverse Ted DiBiase

I'm the reverse Ted DiBiase cuz I'm broke as fuck. It feels really hard not to give up on looking for jobs at this point. I used to write for a pro wrestling platform, so I've been looking for more writing jobs since it's the only useful thing I'm good at that doesn't require me to have any fucking social skills. Haven't found anything though. I've been unemployed for a very long time and I'm extremely tired of my current situation, it's really fucking with me mentally. I'm tired of living with hyper-religious fam who say queer people are "evil" and keep trying to fucking change me. I love them but I'm too old for this shit, Religion should be a choice, not something that is forced on someone before they're able to fucking walk. I desperately want my own freedom. But I can't keep a job for longer than 5 fucking minutes so I guess I don't deserve it. I'm thinking of registering with ODSP but the stigma that comes with getting a lot of help with money has made me hold off on the idea for years. Being back in college on top of this is not fun. I love my program (I go to school for music) but being back in an overstimulating ass environment like a classroom just amplifies every negative emotion I already have. I always have a voice in my head that tells me I'm being too negative or whatever but I don't have a mental health social worker anymore so I guess u niggas are my therapist now lol. I do wanna get counseling again though but those waiting lists are loooooong. I waited like a year to get into the last one. But expressing negative energy is important cuz if u just hold all that shit in then u end up like Mr. Peanutbutter. Is that guy truly happy? I don't think so. Idk how to thoroughly express my feelings in real life without having to sit in silence for very long periods of time to gather my thoughts, so I use music and whatever other artistic medium to do it. I'm gonna be releasing my XONIKA! album with INRCHLD, so that's really awesome. They're a queer-owned platform that supports artists in Toronto and I'm really excited about that. Also they have the best fucking open mic shows ever. Every performer that shows up is really cool and unique in their own way. I'm grateful to have more queer people in my life nowadays cuz if I didn't I think I would go fully insane. Only things that make me feel like my existence matters are friends and art. Also everyone should start using bumble bff its the best way to make friends I swear2goddd. Well unless you're a social butterfly and if that's the case, fuck you. But bumble really lets u cultivate what kind of people u want to be around so that helps a lot. I have black autistic friends now even though the words black and autistic are not even typically used in the same sentence, so that's awesome. Also, designing this website has been fun. Hope it works properly on mobile lol. I always try to appreciate the positivity in my life so that the negativity doesn't outweigh it but it's just hard not to feel like an absolute failure every day I wake up. I'm in school with 18 year olds who have their own apartment. I feel like I'm off the grid. Now off the grid by kanye is stuck in my head. Sure my self-worth shouldn't depend on employment or whatever but we all need money to live an actual adult life and being here makes me feel like a perpetual child. I don't want to be lectured for an hour about how horrible the 'gay lifestyle' is, I want to live with someone who loves me the way I am instead of just the idea of me that was created before I was born. I have a 9am class tomorrow and now it's 1am and I haven't had dinner yet cuz I've been working on this website all day. Anyway idk who's reading this but if u actually read all this then I appreciate u and I hope u don't buy strawberry pop tarts cuz those are nasty. Buy the chocolate chip ones. I want Ricky Starks to be AEW champion, I'll end on that.