XONIKA! Makes Me Feel Whole

I'm so fucking gr8ful that I finally finished and released this album. I wasn't gonna do anymore blog posts very often cuz I was like "no one's gonna read this shit no one cares" but listening to this album makes me feel actual confidence for the first time in my life; to the point where I don't need validation from ppl to feel good about myself. so im just gonna say words about a few songs from the album that I enjoy. I'M FUCKING WORTHLESS is one of my fav songs ive ever made. I was in a crazy depressive state when i made that song. i just felt like my life was going nowhere. being unemployed, struggling w/ college, no social skills and whatever whatever. i cried the day before i wrote that song and i dont cry very often. that was the only time i cried in 2k23. i often have suicidal thoughts in those moments. but i ended up taking those extreme feelings and making a hard ass song out of it. I just said everything I felt in that moment and didn't try to use any metaphors or wordplay or any of that shit. I was just raw feeling. I never wanted to say things like that on a song cuz I didn't wanna scare any1 but I didn't care in that moment. its hard to listen to myself saying those things but i love that song and I will never sugar-coat anything in my music. also i fucking love the beat i made for that song. REALM OF THA BLACK FACADE! is the most funnnnnn song to perform. i came up with the hook to that song while i was asleep lol. literally came to me in a dream and then i woke up and realized it fits on the beat i made. i dont give a fuuuuuuuUUUUUUck. fire. also has my fav music video on my youtoob channel. that whole song was so much fun to make. it's such an adrenaline rush. the song is about growing up not fitting in with other black ppl and being called dumb shit like "white-washed". it's nice that I dont deal with that anymore cuz more young ppl are open minded now (gangsta rappers are weebs now) but I still see it happen with other ppl and that bothers me. I want us to get to a point where we realize that skin color has nothing to do with a person's personality ir tastes. it's all a social construct. do we love hiphop bcuz we're black, or is it bcuz it's fun? pretty sure its the second one, which is the same reason I love rock, techno and other "whitewashed" genres that were invented by black people. black people are responsible for creating such a diverse range of amazing shit and yet they don't get the credit for it bcuz niggas let white people brainwash them into thinking that everything outside of hiphop, r&b and reggae was created by white ppl. black people created everything lol. everything is black. A BLOOMING WALLFLOWER! means a lot to me bcuz my social issues have hindered me a lot throughout my whole life. i still somehow remember my kindergarden teacher complaining to my mom that i dont talk and dont smile. and that ended up being the main subject of every single parent-teacher conference. it didn't matter that i did all my work, never got in trouble, was respectful, etc. all that mattered was "ayo ur kid is not normal and that bothers me deeply" lol. ive always been really depressed about the fact that for some reason (autism) i cant connect with most ppl socially cuz idk wtf to say most of the time, i dont know how to not speak monotone, and i dont understand what im expected to do with my face. ppl have always gotten mad at me for not showing any facial expression but when i watch other ppl talk and i see them doing a million fucking things with their face i'm just like u know what...that will never be natural to me and thats okay. lol. anyway that subject matter also ties in to negrodivergent obviously but i wanted to have a song thats more focused on the social aspect since not every autistic person has trouble communicating. but i also wanted the chorus and the last verse to be uplifting cuz its about accepting urself the way u are and shit. and it took me 26 years to get to the point of even thinking about being okay with who i am. i make music for ppl who dont belong anywhere cuz hiphop most of the time is only targeted at ppl who are the opposite of neurodivergent and i wanna connect with ppl who feel invisible. since andre 3000 isn't rapping anymore somebody's gotta rap for the outcasts. that was a joke I enjoyed the flute music relax. side note; I had a line in this song where I say "nigga I go forward and I know u stationary niggas could never reach me, u venus de milo" thats one of the hardest lines on the whole album. also, "I'm deconstructing social constructs to do construction within my mind to be the architect of my own life" is a mantra that I'm tryna live by. but yea i just wanted to highlight and talk about a few songz maybe i'll talk about more another time thx 4 reading <3